Things have been feeling so much better as of late.
Though, I do wish it’d get a little bit warmer.
Last night I dreamt I was in a horrific car crash. I was driving in a snow storm, and I couldn’t see 10 feet in front of me. The truck spun out, and I just started hitting things. Walls, cars, people, whatever. It was terrifying. I felt hopeless, like I couldn’t do anything to stop the downward spiral that was my life at that exact moment.
Dreams have a way of encapsulating entire emotional states. Fuck ‘em.
I don’t know how I feel about anything anymore. My emotions are all jumbled. Some days I’m feeling relatively positive, even dare I say happy. But most days, I’m just sad. Not how I was, my world is no longer ending. But I feel empty.
I feel like a toy without batteries.
You know when you’re feeling desperate, and you’re convinced that nothing will ever feel right again? That’s how I feel. It’s like I cannot remember how I felt before.
It’s just…a shame.
I just realized that it’s possible that she might not find her letter.
Oh my, now that would be a serious pisser.
Expectations: She will call it unfair. She’ll be mad. She won’t understand what I’m saying, regardless of the fact that I proofread that shit at least 10 times. She’ll say nothing back to me.
Hopes: Everything will go better than expected. You know what I mean by that.
Here’s me with my fingers crossed.
Facebook is the single most terrible thing to happen to dating in the history of the world.
You’re on my feed, you’re on my chat, you’re everywhere. You seem to be taking this swimmingly better than I am. And sure, I could hide you. But I don’t want to. If I hide you that means I’ve given up, and I don’t know if I have yet. I don’t know if I want to go against my better wishes and all the advice I’ve given to other people and see if I can get you back somehow. I just don’t know. I think you’re worth it, yes definitely. But I’m worried that if I do decide to take that chance - that risk - that I’ll be shot down and I’ll just waste more days away crying in my bed.
And I don’t want that at all.
The more loving words I get from friends and family telling me everything will be alright and there are plenty of fish in the sea etc etc etc…the more bummed out I get, and the more I just miss her terribly.
I AM LITERALLY A MESS.
According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Fearing their powers, Zeus split them in two; condemning then to spend the rest of their lives in search of their other half.
Good lord I wish I wasn’t such an overly-sensitive emotional fuck right now. It’s literally the last thing I need in my life right now, especially at such a time of night/morning. I couldn’t sleep last night either. I don’t want to sleep. My body yearns for it but instead I stay awake because sleep brings me that much closer to you and that’s too much for me to bear.
I want nothing more than to implore you to reconsider it. I want to scream. Why am I so bent up about this? Three months is nothing. I mean -shit - I was awoken last night by my own sobs. What the fuck!
I hate this. I’m not built for times like these. Not one goddamn bit. I just wish I could be less Dashboard and be more Wonder Years.